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The Blue States Unite
(this was funny at the time)
Dear Red States,
We the Blue States unite. We are leaving and intend to form our own country.
In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois
and all of the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio. We've given them until November 4th to decide and they're
seriously considering it.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're
dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.
Here's how this is going to work out.
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
You get Dollywood. We get the Statue of Liberty.
You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel.
You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get Ole Miss and Alabama. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers.
Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq
at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their
deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do
wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in
Bush's quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people and educating our children.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent
of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent
of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We also get Hollywood and Yosemite.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected
health care costs, 92 percent of the mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99
percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.
If you are a Red State and would to reconsider your position and join us, please contact your local Democratic campaign
office or representative.
Peace to all,
The Blue States
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